Miles From Nowhere

"Miles from Nowhere, 

guess I'll take my time, 

to reach there... 

Look up at the mountain that I have to climb, 

to reach there... 

And Lord my body, has been a good friend, 

but I won't need it, 

when I reach the end..."

Any true Cat Stevens fan  knows this one by heart.  The energy of this song is so true and powerful, you cannot listen to it without being convinced that taking your time must be the best way to live your life.  There is so much pressure to get where we're going, and find out who we are and what our individual contribution will be.  People say its the journey that matters, and that has to be true, but its just way too easy to grope your way into the next phase without recognizing that your life is beautiful right where it is.  This is not news to anyone.  Its such a cliche' I'm getting sick just writing about it, but its so powerful that its justified.  Miles from nowhere is a scary place to be, and I know personally that I've felt far away from my purpose or contribution for a long, long time.  But honestly, miles from nowhere isn't that bad if you realize that you might as well just take your time, since you're not getting anywhere soon.  This idea I have for my life that I want to keep going to school and someday be a professor makes me laugh out loud (trying to mask the terror most likely).  Why am I saying that I want to do this incredibly difficult thing?  I know I have something to contribute, to society, future generations, God's people, who knows?  But its so far away... I could easily rush all of the next five to six years, and then what?  I'd be all done?  Accomplished everything?  Ship shape, ready to die happy? No.  That will be just the beginning.  I can't forget that. We get so wrapped up in the preparation and the money and the people we need to help us get where we're going that we don't even recognize that all of those elements are part of the whole, not just the prelims to starting our life finally.  I'm twenty five, and I have so much time ahead of me to get old and wise, and I want to try my best not to rush it.  On our most recent New York trip, Evan's crazy grandma told me that she thought her thirties were "her best decade".  I loved hearing that, I've liked so much of my life so far, and I've still got five whole years to go before I even get to thirty!  Seriously, miles from nowhere might possibly be the chronic category of life, and I think I'm beginning to be okay with that.

Boston

I know I've said I'm going to be moving to a lot of different places over the years- Berkeley and Greece just to name a few- but this time it seems relatively likely.  I can tell this is the most real so far because honestly, I feel more scared that its true than I have of any of those other "false alarm" moving threats.  Boston, Massachusetts.  I officially was accepted last Tuesday to one out of the seven graduate programs I applied to for admission in Fall 09, and the school is in North Boston.  This meant little more to me than the pure bliss of someone using the word "acceptance" in reference to you  and all your damned hard work (actually, some jumping up and down and  yelping in the parking lot at work did take place), until I realized that both of the schools I really have my heart set on are in Boston.  Boston in that moment became a reality.  So, I did the typical Nancy thing and rode straight over to B&N to purchase a city map.  This only made me more freaked out as I realized that this fabled town really must exist, otherwise why would someone go to all the trouble to make up such ridiculously pretentious street names such as "Cambridge street" or even worse "Bliney Street"?  This puts forth a dilemma.  I pretend to be all tough and disillusioned like everyone else in Redding.  But when I actually come down to it, leaving the West coast (any part of the West coast- no matter how tortuously lame) to move to New England really is scary.  That's a whole different culture out there as far as I can tell from my limited exposure.  Anyway, I went home after the fatal map purchase and wrote down exactly how I was feeling right then and there- no fluff.  Scared and uncertain.  But then a beautiful thing happened.  As I wrote, my heart began to take on a new attitude.  I WANT to do difficult things in my life.  I want (in a way) to be stretched as far as I can be- to learn as much as I can from each day and each experience.  I really think God created some people to stay where they are their whole lives and make an impact there, but that has clearly not been his path for me seeing as I am obsessed with travel and shriveling up living in Redding for want of getting out.  Moving to Boston will be difficult and I really need to respect that.  But, I will go with this newly revived sense of desire and courage.  In other words, let the New England affliction begin, surely its worth it? 

This is so funny. I don't know how to blog, so I just go to Peter's and read up on everyone because all his friends are the people I like.  Weird.  Hope he doesn't mind for the time being.  

Karen Armstrong

I had to create a whole new account because I don't remember my old password from my previous blog.  Anyway, I suppose its like a fresh start for 2009.  

I wanted to post this amazing quote from "The Spiral Staircase" by Karen Armstrong.  This book is one of the best, most intriguing books I read last year and I have rummaged through its pages more than once since finishing it to reference beautiful things that she says throughout the book.  It more or less tells the story of her life following her decision to leave the convent she had been a nun in for seven years.  She entered the convent when she was 17 because she desperately wanted to know God better, yet found that while she was there she was driven further and further from His presence until she was left with nothing but a human shell and a shrinking soul.  This book is not a Roman Catholic basher, its just an incredible story of someone's spiritual journey that I found very interesting.  She is now a famous, very well-respected theologian and calls herself a "freelance theist".  I guess that means she believes in a god, but is keeping things casual?  Anyway, I first heard her in an interview on NPR and was very impressed, and have since read three of her books.  She's amazing; here is one of the conclusions that she draws as she reflects on her life journey, and how she became who she is.  I hope you're as inspired as I was:

~ The great myths show that when you follow someone else's path, you go astray.  The hero has to set off by himself, leaving the old world and the old ways behind him.  He must venture into the darkness of the unknown, where there is no map and no clear route.  He must fight his own monsters, not somebody else's, explore his own labyrinth, and endure his own ordeal before he can find what is missing in his life.  Thus transfigured, he can bring something of value to the world that has been left behind.  But if the knight finds himself riding along an already established track, he is simply following in someone else's footsteps and will not have an adventure.  In the words of the Old French text of The Quest of the Holy Grail, if he wants to succeed, he must enter the forest "at a point that he, himself, has chosen, where it was darkest and there was no path." ~  

I am beginning to see as my own life-path develops that this is absolutely the truth for humanity.  I really believe that the purpose for being on the earth is to find what is missing in life (try not to let your subconscious automatically insert "Jesus" here- even though at a very fundamental and bare-bones level, I do believe that to be true), and "bring something of value to the world".  I think that honestly, there are few people who would devote their life to this type of honest commitment, and that is why we become so enthralled and inspired when we see someone who has in one form or another figured this out, and entered "the forest".  Cheesy, but inherently worthwhile I think.